Domestic violence is a
complex issue. Few survivors of domestic violence realize how abusive their
partners will become, since at the beginning of the relationship, many abusers can be very charming.
However, many abusers will slowly increase control over a period of months or years, so
by the time things become physically abusive, it is difficult for their partner to
leave.
Unfortunately, there is no simple formula for predicting future abuse. However,
there are six warning signs that abusive partners often demonstrate towards the beginning of the relationship:
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| Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash |
Jealousy is not an uncommon feeling in relationships. However, an article from Domestic Shelters notes that “jealousy, when in response to a real threat to the relationship is normal, as long as it’s dealt with by…talking about establishing healthy boundaries that both partners can agree upon. Jealousy becomes problematic …if one person becomes jealous even when no threat is present.”
There is a big
difference between a partner asking, “Did you have fun last night?” and being
interrogated when you come home. Questions like “Who were you with? Why didn’t
you answer your phone? How many men were there?” signify a pattern of jealousy,
paranoid accusations and constant interrogation, all of which can be abusive behavior.
All of us have at least
one unhealthy or chaotic past relationship. However, if you meet someone who
has numerous chaotic/unstable past relationships, that can be a red flag. While a history of unstable relationships is not abusive, a pattern of jobs, friendships and/or marriages that ended with,
“She/he/it was crazy, so I left,” or being vague about previous
relationships should be a warning that they may have a history of abusive behaviors.
3. “Playful”
aggression
Many victims of domestic
violence share that their partners didn’t hit them early on. Instead, their
partners would use playful aggression as a way to test their reactions while dating.
If your partner hugs you to the point of pain or smashes his fist on a wall and
laughs when you jump, he is testing your reaction. If you find yourself blowing
it off, "Maybe he didn't realize how scary that was," find someone to give you honest feedback about a way to end things safely..
4. Intimidation tactics
Many survivors share their partners don’t always use physical violence to keep them terrified. Instead, their partners use intimidation tactics like punching
walls, kicking and slamming doors, throwing or breaking things mixed with
occasional physical violence to keep them scared. Many of the domestic violence
survivors I've worked with said the intimidation tactics were far more
terrifying because it kept the household in a constant state of tension and
fear. If your partner is exhibiting these behaviors, it can easily escalate into physical violence in the future.
5. Controlling
behaviors
Some spouses control
their partner’s computer use, choice of friends, car use and bank
account. If your new partner demands access to all of your social media,
restricts you from your friends or family, or wants to know every movement you
make, be careful. It may be a test to see how much they can control you in the
future.
6. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of
psychological abuse in which a victim is manipulated into doubting his or her
own memory, perception, and sanity. People who are abusive will use this
technique to leave the victim confused and disoriented. If you end up
questioning yourself endlessly after an argument or find yourself asking
friends, "Am I crazy? He started screaming at me the moment he came home,
not the other way around," please be cautious. Once you start questioning
yourself, your memory and your perception, it becomes a challenge to examine
your partner's behaviors objectively and through a healthy lens.
While all of these signs
are good to watch out for, the most difficult part of predicting future abuse
is that many abusers are very good at hiding abusive behaviors. However, many
do start exhibiting irrational jealousy or a desire to control their phones or
time with friends long before they become physically abusive.
If you are dating
someone who is exhibiting any one of these six signs, (carefully) consult with
someone you trust. A friend, family member, pastor, coworker or a counselor. The National Domestic Violence Hotline
is also a great resource if you are scared or uncertain about your partner's
behaviors.
No one should have to be
in a relationship where they feel controlled, fearful, or disoriented. If you
are, please seek help immediately. Abusive relationships typically escalate
over time and can became very dangerous, so don't dismiss unhealthy behaviors
as unimportant. We all deserve to be safe.
*Originally published on FamilyShare.com in 2016
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