Over the past decade, I’ve worked with thousands of
teenagers. I was a troubled teen myself, so I’ve always had a soft spot for them.
As a counselor, I see the same story frequently. A very concerned parent
brings their teenager in and tells me how they’ve always been close to their
child, but recently, their teenager has stopped talking to them. So they bring
them to me, and I start to work with them. I build a therapeutic relationship
with them where we talk about their lives, and their parents often say things
like, “How do you get her to talk to you? She never talks to me anymore.”
I believe that teenagers often open up to counselors for
several reasons: how we react, our interest level and our perseverance. I have
found that parents can also do these things to improve relationship with their
teenagers, you just need to know the three things they need from you.
1. They need you to react in a caring and stable
way. Teenagers often act very independent and tough. They act like they
have everything figured out and they don’t need you. You may ask, “Why bother?
They don’t need me.”
But here’s the big secret: they do need
you. Teenagers are not grown-ups. They are often scared and overwhelmed. The
world is big, high school is scary, and the pressure to succeed and get a full
college scholarship is constant. And when they start to feel
scared/overwhelmed/out-of-control, they often will try to talk to their parents
about it.
Unfortunately, when a teenager shares something
shocking or big, even when parents try to stay calm, they don’t always handle the
news well. Your daughter tells you she’s been texting a boy, and suddenly you
find yourself crying because you can’t believe your daughter is growing up so
quickly. Your son admits that his grade dropped to a C and you find yourself
yelling and lecturing him about the importance of grades.
And guess what? When you react in those
ways, your kids will clam up.
I believe that part of the reason that
teenagers feel comfortable in confiding in their counselor is that the
counselor’s reactions are caring and
stable. There have been times over the years where a teenager has shared something
that brings me to tears (sexual abuse cases are heart-breaking), but overall, I
try to maintain a calm, even, caring demeanor. Whether they share minor issues
(“I couldn’t find my locker and I felt stupid”) to the big issues (“My
boyfriend and I went farther than I meant to”), I try to react to their issues
in a caring and emotionally stable way. I don’t burst into tears, I don’t
scream at them, I don’t withdraw and avoid them. I simply say, “Wow. That’s
awful. I can’t believe you’re dealing with that. Let’s talk about it.”
I get that being a parent is tough.
Honestly, I’m way more emotional with my own children. I get frustrated, angry
and sometimes tearful. However, if you want your child to open up, they have to
be able to trust that you will listen to them and react in a calm, loving,
consistent manner.
If you are prone to tears, depend on God to
help you stay strong during the tough talks. If you are prone to yelling,
breathe deeply and work on staying even-tempered when they approach you with
something. When you respond calmly and lovingly about the littler issues, they
will trust you in the future when they need to tell you about the big stuff.
2. They need you to care about their lives.
It’s become a running joke in my house that I’m often reading young adult
fiction these days. Not because I always love reading about werewolves and
vampires, but because it allows me to connect to the teenagers I work with.
There is nothing as awesome as watching a teenager’s face light up when I tell
them, “guess what book I got from the library? The one you recommended!”
One day, as a new social worker, I was
running a therapeutic group when I worked at a psychiatric hospital. We were
discussing ways that people show they care about each other. When I asked the
teens in the room, “how do you know someone cares about you?” one boy put it
well. He said, “When I care about someone, I make sure I know what they like,
how their day goes, what music they listen to.” Shrugging, he shared, “The
people in my life, the ones that care the most about me know all that.” I
realized that caring about teenagers is more than just caring about their
overall well-being. It is caring about the songs they love, the books they
read, the websites they visit.
It’s easy as a parent to tack on a quick, “I
love you” as we say goodnight or run out the door. But for many teenagers,
feeling loved and cared for goes deeper than our rushed words. They feel loved
and valued when their parents remember how they like their coffee or what their
favorite band is. I know the names of the boys from One Direction, I can sing
at least three Justin Bieber songs, and I’ve read the entire City of Bones
series. Not because I needed to, but because it makes the teenagers I work with
feel valued that I am willing to use my time to learn about something that is
important to them.
If your teenager keeps saying, “you just
don’t understand me,” seek to understand
them. Not by sitting them down and forcing them to talk to you. Instead, ask
them what’s on their iPod. Find out the name of the last book they read and read it! It will mean a lot to them, and
it will give you some things to talk about.
3. They need you to keep trying.
Sometimes, I think that parents assume that the reason their kids talk to me is
because I have a wave-a-magic-wand trick that helps them open up. I wish! You
know how at home you ask them questions, they ignore you, roll their eyes and
walk into their room? They do that with me too initially! If a teen won’t talk to his parents, often,
the first few sessions are pretty rough with the counselor as well. But do you
know what? The more I persevere, the more questions I ask, the more angsty teen
books I read, over time, they start to open up (even the really resistant
kids).
The things that intrigues me about
teenagers is that even when they are ignoring you, they are totally aware of
you. So when they push you away, and you leave them alone, they notice. They
tell me things like, “I know I’ve been awful lately, but I wish my mom would
talk to me,” “I wish my dad spent more time with me,” “I hate that we used to
get coffee all the time, and now she doesn’t take me anymore.” When I ask
teenagers what they want their positive reward to be for good behavior, one of
the number one things they want is time
with their parents. I kid you not. They want
to be with you. Even when they act like they don’t want you around.
Recently, I was talking with a teenager
going through a rough time. I asked her what she needed. She looked at me and
said, “I just want to curl up on the couch and hug my mom and cry like I used
to when I was little.” I asked her, “Does your mom know that?” It broke my
heart when she said, “No, I don’t want to be a burden on her, she’s so
stressed, and I’m getting older. I should be able to comfort myself.” This girl
wasn’t avoiding talking to her mom because she didn’t like her, she was avoiding
her mom because she didn’t want act like a child or stress her mother out!
There is such a tug-of-war with teenagers.
They push their parents away, but want their parents’ comfort and support. So
when your teen pushes you away, don’t stay away! Instead, keep trying to connect and interact
with them. Hug them, write them a note, ask them about school, even when they
are as prickly as a hedgehog. Keep trying, loving and building a relationship
with them. It’s not easy, even for an objective third-party like a counselor!
But the trade-off is so worth it, because when they are close to you and feel
sure that you can handle their issues, you will have a truly rewarding
relationship with them.
These are difficult steps to take when you
are the parent of a withdrawn/sullen/frustrated teenager, but be confident. God
will help give you the strength you need to love your kids when they pull away
from you. When you are striving to stay calm and react lovingly, reflect on Philippians
4:13 (NIV): “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” You can stay
calm, you can connect, and you can keep trying. Just depend on God’s strength
and you will improve your relationship with your teen.
~Hilary
Wonderfully stated! As an educator and parent of teens, I can attest that this advice is golden! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lanna, this is really good stuff, especially in #2.
ReplyDelete